Okay, You Can Panic Now
by JustSimplyInsane
Summary: When the Infinite Improbability drive goes wrong, the white mice are back, along with a poetry-reading Vogon. In other words, you can panic now.


**Okay, You Can Panic Now**

Marvin had been relatively cheerful that day. In fact, he had taken the highly optimistic view that the day wasn't going to get any worse. After all, his arm had fallen off due to lack of repairs, the diodes in his left side hurt a little less than unbearable, and he hadn't had to walk through any doorways today, so the day was, so far, good.

Perhaps it had something to do with the use of the Infinite Improbability Drive. As it was infinitely improbable that Marvin would be relatively optimistic, it was also infinitely improbable that a Vogon, just about to read some of his poetry, would appear in front of Marvin.

- - - - - -

We interrupt this broadcast for a disclaimer.

These characters and the story are not owned by the writer of this fan fiction. Those who think differently will be force-read Vogon poetry. Vogon poetry, being the third-worst poetry in the universe, is not something you want to go to a public reading of. In fact, it is not something you even want to read, as it might cause your eyes to both simultaneously whirl back in your skull and escape in sheer terror.

But I digress.

Characters and names belong to a certain Earthling on a former insignificant planet, known by the below-average denizens called Earth, orbiting by a pitifully average star they call the sun. There, they not only believe digital watches are the best thing ever, but that digital watches are the best thing since sliced bread, which really isn't that great of a thing after all. Most of all, they have never tasted a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which automatically makes them most inferior.

And now back to our insanity and pointlessness in progress.

- - - - - -

"Thank you for making a simple door so happy!"

"For the last time, zark off!"

The door clicked and whirred, nearly closing on Zaphod Beeblebrox's foot. He turned and stared at it. It was very unlike these doors. Perhaps Marvin had talked to them recently and twisted their programming. Either that or they were learning to retaliate.

Still, the question of why one would try to close on his foot was interesting. He didn't get why they would do that. After all, he was such a wonderful guy, wasn't he?

Strutting onto the bridge of the Heart of Gold, he plopped down in the seat, turning and putting his feet on the console, accidentally pressing a few buttons. The ship suddenly rolled over and zoomed left, narrowly missing a rather surprised Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal that was pulled out of nowhere by the Infinite Improbability drive.

Trillian glared at him. Zaphod merely grinned back with both his heads, leering at her. "Hey, babe."

"Two to the power of fifty thousand to one against and falling," the computer said cheerfully.

Suddenly the bridge was filled with soap bubbles. Minute kittens appeared in them, dancing in wild circles. The bubbles popped, turning into wailing fish that flopped around in midair.

Zaphod couldn't help but to think how normal and boring this day was as the floor suddenly turned into liquid and smashed the walls in small waves.

"You started the Infinite Improbability Drive again," Trillian sighed as rotting tomatoes suddenly dropped from the ceiling, exploding into puffs of pink smoke wherever they hit.

"Yeah, well, can I help it if I'm just such a frood guy that that happens sometimes?"

Trillian sighed as her hair suddenly turned into drunken snakes that proceeded to sign in terribly off-key voices.

"Two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and falling," chirped the computer.

The ship suddenly made numerous quacking noises, and feathers sprouted from the console as the floor settled and grew spikes.

Arthur Dent entered the room, the door producing what sounded like a squawk instead of its normal cheer, and he narrowly missed stepping on one of the spikes. A jester's cap sat on his head that produced noises like screeching violins. It disappeared in a puff of smoke, and the Earthman began to defy gravity.

"The Infinite Improbability drive always produces some slightly queer things," said Arthur as he rose above the room and collided with the ceiling, which promptly turned into gel and enveloped part of his body.

"Two to the power of ten thousand to one against and falling," the computer's voice suddenly sounded like a donkey with tonsillitis.

"Ah yes. The Earthman. Always stating the obvious," Zaphod jeered. "I never knew you went outside your vocabulary of 'huh?', 'I don't understand', and 'what?'?" he laughed to himself until his two mouths were covered with what looked like duct tape.

As the spikes retracted into the floor and Arthur suddenly no longer defied gravity, the lights went off.

"Warning: unable to lower Probability," the computer squawked, rivaling the noise produced as Arthur hit the ground. "Have a nice day!"

"Have an nice day?" Zaphod swung his feet off the console and stood, ripping the duct tape off. "You're telling me it's stuck like this and you want me to have a zarking nice day?"

"Oh, and by the way, there's a Vogon about to come in here."

The door opened with a whine that sounded something like a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and a Vogon entered.

The rubbery green creature cried, "Please! Let me have some peace! Save me!"

Marvin plodded in behind him, the only machine or living creature to survive a reading of Vogon poetry. The Vogon pulled himself away quickly.

"Don't let him tell me about his view of the universe again! Please!"

Zaphod raised all four of his eyebrows. Trillian merely looked dimly amused.

The Vogon tried to regain dignity. "Resistance is useless!" he bellowed. "Uhh…Stop! I'll read poetry!"

Arthur stood there with a bewildered expression on his face as his nose suddenly grew like Pinocchio. Of course, as Pinocchio never existed, the example is quite irrelevant, and it can merely be said that his nose grew until it, in a desperate attempt to save life and limb, it hit the Vogon on the head and knocked it out.

Marvin sighed heavily. "So, now what will you have me do? Me, with a brain the size of a planet, relegated to perform such menial tasks as opening doors and-"

"Well, Marvin, I was hoping you could drag him away for us."

Marvin muttered to himself as he pulled the Vogon off.

Then, as a huge pit suddenly appeared in the middle of the floor and two white mice appeared out of nowhere, Zaphod was reminded of the probability problem. Arthur and Trillian, however, was reminded also about something else.

- - - - - -

To be continued…


End file.
